More Jokes

[jeepinandy]

It's all fun and games until the wrong religion gets shot... c'mon people they're just jokes and I'm sure some will find em funny and some not.... lighten up...


:cheers: guys

 

[Geepfreak]

i got that from a mormon website...

This is a fun read

One of my employees started FUFMO about 3 years ago.

 

[Dookie]

THIS is funny.

Is Hell Exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct - leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”

 

[0313]

I simply dont find religious, racist, or rape and murder jokes to be funny or appropriate in any way shape or form. More often than not people get offended and all it shows is peoples ignorance. And all I said originally was that the joke about killing the 2 guys was wrong. Then someone had to yap off about killing a mormon instead. Thats downright offensive and I know im not the only one to think that.

I always wondered why they call them JOKES?

Get out of the bubble. Most people who take offense to jokes are those who think they are better than those that told the joke.

 

[XJ Dreamin']

Look! It's multi-denominational! :laugh3:

Lutheran Census Form​

1. _____________________ (Given name)

2. _____________________ (Surname)

3. Descendant of:

A. Adam and Eve _____

B. Cain and Abel _____

C. Ephesians and Colossians_____

D. Laurel and Hardy _____



4. Synod: _____________________



5. Number of occupants in home:

(Categories listed in chronological order)

A. Nursery _____

B. Junior Primary _____

C. Senior Primary _____

D. Young Women’s _____

E. Young Men’s _____

F. Relief Society _____

G. Elder _____

H. Trustee_____

I. Seminary Student_____



6. Occupation:

A. Doctor_____

B. Radiologist_____

C. Lawyer_____

D. Teacher/Professor_____

E. Prison Gaurd_____



7. Automobile:

A. Excursion_____

B. Excursion_____

C. Suburban _____

D. Excursion_____

E. Escalade_____



8. Favorite place to eat the night before Advent Supper:

A. Grand Buffet_____

B. Golden Coral_____

C. Chili's_____



9. Favorite Hero:

A. Jesus_____

B. Jesus_____

C. Jesus_____

D. Luther_____

E. Ronald Regan_____



10. Which of the following do you bring to church:

A. Scriptures _____

B. Daytimer _____

C. Pen/Pencil _____

D. Lifesavers _____

E. Tic Tacs _____

F. Game Boy _____

G. Big Gulp _____

H. Cooler _____

I. Sony Walkman _____

J. TV Watch _____

K. All of the above _____



11. Do you prepare your lessons:

A. A month in advance _____

B. A week in advance _____

C. While in the bathtub _____

D. While on the toilet _____

E. Driving to Sunday School_____

F. During the pre-sunday school coffee klatch_____

G. During the opening prayer of the class you’re teaching _____

H. Just wing it _____



12. Do you think pews should be permanently equipped with

Coffe cup holders: yes___ no ___



13. How many years has your family sat in the same place for Service:

A. 10-20 years _____

B. 20-30 years _____

C. 30-40 years _____

D. Over 3 generations _____



14. How much time does it take for you to fall asleep during a sermon:

A. 1/100,000,000th of a second _____

B. 1/999,999,999th of a second _____

C. 1/999,999,998th of a second _____



15. Which day of the month do you go home/visiting teaching:

A. 31st ______

B. 31st ______

C. 31st ______

D. 31st ______

E. Do what? _____



16. How many church softball fights were you in last year:

A. 1-10 _____

B. 10-20 _____

C. 20-30 _____

D. You’ll have to ask my lawyer _____



17. Which of the following has been your most effective Family Home Evening:

A. Arguing about getting along _____

B. Having an opening and closing prayer with dinner _____

C. Gathering around the television to watch, "Two-and-a-half Men" _____

18. How many times a year do you make:

A. Jello salad _____

B. Funeral potatoes _____

C. Onion Ring topped Greenbean hotdish_____

D. Smoked Frankfurters and kraut_____



19. How many cases of Bud Light do you own:

A. 1-2 thousand _____

B. 2-3 thousand _____

C. 3-4 thousand _____

D. Enough to fill the Great Salt Lake _____



20. Which of the following do you feel is the Oktoberfest in the nation:

A. Herman, Mo _____

B. La Cross, Wi_____

C. Your Backyard_____



21. How many aerodynamic, mechanical and structural engineers do you hire annually to insure you’ll win the pinewood derby: _________

22. Keeping the Admonition for Modaration in mind, how much of the following do you consume:

A. Bud Light:_____ cans daily X 365 days annually = ____

B. Miller Light: _____ magnums daily X 365 days annually = ____



23. If you had to choose between witnessing the Second Coming or attending an A&M/UT football game, which would you choose?

A. Second Coming _____

B. Football game _____

 

[XJ Dreamin']

Im done with this...I dont deal with pompous priks and jackass's.

ROFLMAO

WOW! Did you pick the wrong group to join!

Oh, wait. His name's not red.

That is the funniest thing I have read in a loooooooooooooooong time.

 

[Lawn Cher']

Calm down, apparently you havent seen the Jew jokes, dished out by the Jews.

And now, back by popular demand...

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!

 

[Geepfreak]

 

[Lawn Cher']

Another one...

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

 

[Lawn Cher']

And three will do it for today...

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring He replies:
"I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.
Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils the cab
driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Eric and I'm going to a Halloween party."

 

[TRNDRVR]

I BET...
SHE HAS​

 

[Fergie]

I BET...
SHE HAS​

Please, the horniest chicks in HS and college were always the Momo girls.

 

[XJ Dreamin']

A group in a town in Judea are preparing to stone a prostitute to death. Jesus steps forward and says, "Let one here who has not sinned cast the first stone." An older woman emerges from the crowd carrying a huge bolder over her head. She weaves her way over to the prostitute and drops the stone square on her head. Jesus turns to the woman and says, "Ma! I wish you'd cut that out!"

 

[0313]

My Mormon name is Chod Calbert!
What's yours?

 

[Fergie]

My Mormon name is <b>Chod Calbert</b>!
What's yours?

Davien Feron

 

[Lawn Cher']

What's a mormon name for? My Hebrew name is Moshe, just like Moses. Funny, the waters don't part for my Jeep though. I learned that the hard way.

 

[TRNDRVR]

DaMonite Friends Forsaken

 

[Dookie]

Jonborah Bernon

recognize!!

 

[TRNDRVR]

Come on, TRNDRVR! It's just getting started. You've only missed the previews and the opening commercial. There're still some seats down front.

Man! I feel honored I was being thought of. :angel:

By the way, that's my popcorn you're eating.

 

[XJ Dreamin']

TRNDRVR. Your avatar. You need to make their heads bob like the cartoon version.