fubar XJ
NAXJA Forum User
- Location
- Bothell, WA
I've never heard the purpose of the following tools explained any better than this:
This guy knows his tools very well!
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted
project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing
could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes
you to say, 'Oh crap'
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up
jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in
your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have
installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead
of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything
you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common
slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your
palms..
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent
part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive
parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
Son of a B*tch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. Used in
conjunction with any of the other tools and processes above. It is
also, most often, the next tool that you will need right afterwards.
This guy knows his tools very well!
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted
project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing
could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes
you to say, 'Oh crap'
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up
jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in
your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have
installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead
of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything
you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common
slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your
palms..
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent
part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive
parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
Son of a B*tch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. Used in
conjunction with any of the other tools and processes above. It is
also, most often, the next tool that you will need right afterwards.
