More Jokes

Charles and Camilla are apparently a bit flummoxed by the whole marriage thing. It's reported that on their wedding night the following took place:
As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were misplaced and she was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.
When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's. Because of the type of construction done following the Windsor Castle fire, the adjoining walls were made of plasterboard. As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me."
The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigor, but it was stuck fast.
"Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!" "I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got! "There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SO good!"
In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."
Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe.
"Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne.
At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carols."

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'. She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are!'"

1 & 3 were good.

Fergie said:

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'. She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are!'"

Click to expand...

they don't actually drink Foster's down there, it's a myth built by the American company to sell more beer. kinda like Cinco de Mayo.

kill joy brettm...it's true but killjoy

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He asked her why she was going.
She told him, "I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for FREE."

He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.

His wife said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
"I'm going too!" he replied.

"Why?" she asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!"

A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips."
The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Hell, me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

BrettM said:

they don't actually drink Foster's down there, it's a myth built by the American company to sell more beer. kinda like Cinco de Mayo.

Click to expand...

Oh, the huge mamatee!!






Sorry, Lawn Cher'. The voices told me to do it.

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The REDNECK, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, drinks it, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, then
catches his glass as it falls into his hand. He says, "In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

Lawn Cher' said:

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The REDNECK, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, drinks it, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, then
catches his glass as it falls into his hand. He says, "In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

Click to expand...

That...might have been a tad out of line. A bit amusing though.

That out of line??
Dig deeper my friend...

uhoh...here we go..

Its out of line because it involves violently killing people for no reason or a stupid laugh.

What do you call a 300lb black prostitue with braces?




















The black and decker pecker wrecker.

Vertisce said:

Its out of line because it involves violently killing people for no reason or a stupid laugh.

Click to expand...

If he changed Iraqi to Mormon it would have been funnier.





















Mormons don't drink!

Now your really out of line...I happen to be mormon.

Vertisce said:

Now your really out of line...I happen to be mormon.

Click to expand...

You're right...the Mormon wouldnt have been in bar.

It should have gone:
How do you kill a Mormon?












Blow up a Suburban.

Now your just a jackass.