question about long distance child visitation

OK. Long story short. I have a child who lives in another state with her mother. I'm in Oklahoma. Being young and dumb, I had no lawyer when custody was established. At the time I had no real intentions of being so far away from my daughter. Flash forward a few years, I now have an annual summer visit I have to pay for. Mother has full custody and I pay the usual day care and child support. So far, my interaction with her mother is civil, but I'm wanting to get something a little more solid than the current custody order that says "father will have reasonable visitation"
Obviously I can't afford to do every other weekend and holidays.

I'm going to ask for a more solid visitation schedule, but what is the normal arrangement for long distance visitation? (I don't have money for a lawyer so I'm turning to you guys!):lecture::wow:

The most common is the summer, that way the child can go to school during the school year while living with one parent and then spend the summer with the other. It sucks for missing xmas and turkey day and such but at least for xmas you can UPS some presents.

How much of the summer? and does child support continue during that time?

Usually it would be the whole summer. You can do the big holidays too, but you are going to have to foot the bill to get her there. Unless your EX is nice and helps out.
As far as support stopping during the summer, I would think it would stop but who knows.
I know you said you can't afford a lawyer, but you honestly you probably need to get one. I've seen to many friends get divorced and all of them say they didn't need one and then after all was said and done, they needed one.

I would go ahead and get a lawyer too. Yeah they are expensive but if you get a good one they are worth the money!

XJ Eric said:

OK. Long story short. I have a child who lives in another state with her mother. I'm in Oklahoma. Being young and dumb, I had no lawyer when custody was established. At the time I had no real intentions of being so far away from my daughter. Flash forward a few years, I now have an annual summer visit I have to pay for. Mother has full custody and I pay the usual day care and child support. So far, my interaction with her mother is civil, but I'm wanting to get something a little more solid than the current custody order that says "father will have reasonable visitation"
Obviously I can't afford to do every other weekend and holidays.

I'm going to ask for a more solid visitation schedule, but what is the normal arrangement for long distance visitation? (I don't have money for a lawyer so I'm turning to you guys!):lecture::wow:

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Just my 2c, don't take offense, it's just my opinion about Child Custody in general and how it should be handled. You didn't give the childs age, and I I don't need to know, but I would assume we are not talking about a toddler here. I'm also going to assume that by "civil" that you and your Ex don't chat like old HS buddies, but when the need arises, you speak to each other with some level of mutual respect.

You and your Ex know what the current visitation agreement is presently. Your Ex is your childs guardian. So guess who you should speak to about visitation? Your Ex. I don't say that flipantly, but factually. Courts are for those who can't work it out. They will waste both You and your Ex's money and leave you both without a solution which is best for your child.

Go talk to your Ex, and after you have her permission to do so, both of you discuss your plan with your daughter. In the court's eyes, her needs come first, and you need to look at it from that perspective.

As for who will pay what when, that again is between you and your Ex, deal with it as responsible adults.

Then if you and your Ex both have agreed on a plan that works for all parties involved, you perhaps you even have tried it and it works, and you wish to make it formal, then go to court and have the papers changed.

IMO this is more personal work, but it will save you, your Ex, and your child a silly and costly custody battle.

unfortunately a lawyer is out of the question. $600 for a single court appearance and a couple hours of drafting my papers. Can't do it. I have to make a trip up to her house (28 hours) drive her back to my place and then do it all over again a month later. each trip will be $500 bucks minimum. Flying is a no go too since I have to buy two round trip tickets for myself and one for her.

I've tried the talking part and her mother won't allow her to fly alone, and she won't agree to more than one month during the summer. I want more than that so its off to court for visitation we go.

XJ Eric said:

I've tried the talking part and her mother won't allow her to fly alone, and she won't agree to more than one month during the summer. I want more than that so its off to court for visitation we go.

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Think long term. You have to deal with your Ex until your child comes of age, reguardless of who gets custody.

A month is a long time away from home, and it sounds fair.

Court costs are going to rape you both, and guess who will end up paying for your Ex's.

Perhaps it makes more sense, since you are the one with the problem, for you to move closer to your Ex and your child?

Hey there. As far as stopping the child support during your visitation pd, if she agrees to it it's a matter of filing the paper work through asking for a modification through domestics. If it's a payment scheduled agreed to by both parties, there is no contestation you simply tell the hearing officer and the temp order is written, signed and made permanent. If it's brought to a modification hearing, and no agreement is reached, a recomsndation is made and it's reviewed by the judge. At that point it's a roll of the dice.

In terms of court costs, file an IFP, in forma pauparus, it means your to poor to pay the court costs and if you qualify, your court costs are waved (the judge will speak to you personally, in court. It's not considered ex party communication because it does not deal with the particulars of the case).

As far as your visitation goes, you should get the summer (provided said child is on regular school schedule) if not, it is what ever is deemed reasonable. For that to be the wording of the order is out of the ordinary. There should be an outline of dates for pu and do.

Due to the cost of travel expenses and one month of daycare, that should be taken into consideration as child care costs incurred by you. Have documentation of estimates for both. Again, asking for this could also cause an increase depending on if the original order was significantly less than what the equation calls for.

Forms for the IFP and modifications should be able to be found on line at the county (jurisdictional) website or in the court house. They may even fax them to you for a small fee. If you can find a laywer who will act soley as an advisor, you would pay them by the hour (prob about 200-400/hr). Ask in detail how to fill out forms and exceptable rules of proceedure. Check in your local law library, usually in the court house, for the rules of proceedure for the right jurisdiction (in Pa it's called Pa RCP, I think the specific one is 15.11 on up here)

Always dress with a nice shirt, tie and proper pants. Be clean shaven (no mustaches or facial hair). I went in with a bit one time and the judge never looked at me the same since. Do something to give yourself confidence before hand and put your best foot fwd.

These are all just suggestions from personal experience. I make no claims and will not be held liable for anything I have said here. At first, navigating the courts is like rock crawliing blindfolded on ice but it gets easier as you continue to work the proceedure. If at all possible, talk to your ex, come to an agreement and write it up, have a copy sent to her signed by you and get a copy faxed back with both signatures.

Most importantly, have a good support structure. Some one you can talk to and trust in confidence. Some one who will just shut up and listen when you need it and input when you need that too. I'm a pretty thick skinned individual I think having been in the military, graduated college and working in corrections now, but I was in a bad way for some time and only now really begining to heal some battle damage. Best of luck and God be with you friend.

Fourxfour79 said:

As far as your visitation goes, you should get the summer (provided said child is on regular school schedule) if not, it is what ever is deemed reasonable. For that to be the wording of the order is out of the ordinary. There should be an outline of dates for pu and do.

Due to the cost of travel expenses and one month of daycare, that should be taken into consideration as child care costs incurred by you. Have documentation of estimates for both. Again, asking for this could also cause an increase depending on if the original order was significantly less than what the equation calls for.

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We just went through this in Nov. She asked for a modification for more money. I lucked out because she admitted to voluntarily going down to part time hours. However the automatic two year review for allow for cost of living is coming up in May. When this comes up is this something I could bring up then?

Always dress with a nice shirt, tie and proper pants.

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Not a problem usually, but I will be doing this over the phone.

How soon after school is finished should I expect to get her? and how long before school starts would she go back?
BTW: this is dealing with NY state.

Zuki-Ron said:

Think long term. You have to deal with your Ex until your child comes of age, reguardless of who gets custody.

Perhaps it makes more sense, since you are the one with the problem, for you to move closer to your Ex and your child?

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She already has custody, I'm just wanting visitation to be changed. Right now its VERY vague. I can see her any time I want as long as she agrees to let me.

Moving closer? Thats up to good 'ol Uncle Sam.

XJ Eric said:

We just went through this in Nov. She asked for a modification for more money. I lucked out because she admitted to voluntarily going down to part time hours. However the automatic two year review for allow for cost of living is coming up in May. When this comes up is this something I could bring up then?


Not a problem usually, but I will be doing this

How soon after school is finished should I expect to get her? and how long before school starts would she go back?
BTW: this is dealing with NY state.

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During the confrence you and she can come to a mutual agreement. If that doesn't happen, a recomendation is made by the hearing officer. If either of you or both of you dont agree with the order, you can contest it. The order goes infront of the judge who makes the final call. Dates, times, locations and circumstances of the drop offs and pick ups can all be specified, as well as acceptable forms of communication in the order. That's pa law as far as my experience so far. Like I said, look through NY R.C.P. For more guide lines. It's a bit tough reading and a puzzle to decipher the language(beware Latin phrases and legalese)