Urban Redneck
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BREAKING ELECTION NEWS: NEW ENGLAND, NEW YORK CITY SECEDE
Kerry To Lead Breakaway Republic
Boston (Reuters) In a fiery concession speech at Boston's historic Faneuil Hall, defeated Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry accepted the now inevitable conclusion of a long 2004 election night: New England and New York City seceding from the Union.
"The voters have spoken and I respect that process," said the Massachusetts senator, before an audience of friends, family, supporters and campaign staff. "And the voters have told us that it's time for tolerant, open minded and sane Americans to form our own nation."
Kerry gave words to what many of his fervent supporters have long believed. "If the rest of the nation wants to be led by a bunch of gay-bashing, war-mongering, corporate-sleeper evangelicals, so be it," said the Senator. "We chose to live in peace, harmony and fiscal sanity east of the Hudson river."
Legions of lawyers working for the Kerry campaign have shifted their attention from voting booth challenges to the legal paperwork required for setting up a new country. "We'll have the world's 6th largest economy, the world's most highly educated populace, the best NFL team, and the best baseball rivalry," said Kerry. "Once Kofi approves the paperwork and the new letterhead comes in we'll be our own. Thank god."
Kerry stressed this path was the only way for the nation to begin the process of healing. "As a thrice decorated Vietnam vet I saw men whose only hope of life was the sweet, swift and sharp healing of amputating an infected and shrapnel filled limb," said the hoarse Senator. "And now we must amputate the cancerous red state tumor that is otherwise known as Bush's America."
Details were not firmed up as to the fate of Democratic supporters in the mid-west, Pacific west coast, and District of Columbia. "Blue state citizens will be automatically eligible for membership in New America (TM)," stressed Kerry. "The rest of you bible thumpers, Humvee drivers and NRA members can take your assault rifles, Confederate flags and gay marriage bans and choke on the arsenic laden water and $6.50 per gallon gas prices that your vote has bought you. Best of luck with Iraq, by the way."
Bush officials had no comment, other than to confirm the pending elimination of the E.P.A., the reduction of the minimum wage to $2.00 per hour, the reinstatement of the Dred Scott decision and the nomination of Ralph Reed to replace William Rehnquist on the Supreme Court.
Meanwhile, Providence, Rhode Island was being strongly considered as a symbolic location for the new nation's capital. "More than 300 years ago, Anne Hutchinson led a stubborn band of colonists who refused to recognize the maniacal, religious right morality of the Puritans and went off to form Rhode Island," reminded Kerry. "Today, we refuse to recognize the Puritanical zealotry of John Ashcroft, **** Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld and form our own nation, free of Cracker Barrels, Dale Earnhardt memorials and Lee Greenwood. This is a great day for New England."
Kerry To Lead Breakaway Republic
Boston (Reuters) In a fiery concession speech at Boston's historic Faneuil Hall, defeated Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry accepted the now inevitable conclusion of a long 2004 election night: New England and New York City seceding from the Union.
"The voters have spoken and I respect that process," said the Massachusetts senator, before an audience of friends, family, supporters and campaign staff. "And the voters have told us that it's time for tolerant, open minded and sane Americans to form our own nation."
Kerry gave words to what many of his fervent supporters have long believed. "If the rest of the nation wants to be led by a bunch of gay-bashing, war-mongering, corporate-sleeper evangelicals, so be it," said the Senator. "We chose to live in peace, harmony and fiscal sanity east of the Hudson river."
Legions of lawyers working for the Kerry campaign have shifted their attention from voting booth challenges to the legal paperwork required for setting up a new country. "We'll have the world's 6th largest economy, the world's most highly educated populace, the best NFL team, and the best baseball rivalry," said Kerry. "Once Kofi approves the paperwork and the new letterhead comes in we'll be our own. Thank god."
Kerry stressed this path was the only way for the nation to begin the process of healing. "As a thrice decorated Vietnam vet I saw men whose only hope of life was the sweet, swift and sharp healing of amputating an infected and shrapnel filled limb," said the hoarse Senator. "And now we must amputate the cancerous red state tumor that is otherwise known as Bush's America."
Details were not firmed up as to the fate of Democratic supporters in the mid-west, Pacific west coast, and District of Columbia. "Blue state citizens will be automatically eligible for membership in New America (TM)," stressed Kerry. "The rest of you bible thumpers, Humvee drivers and NRA members can take your assault rifles, Confederate flags and gay marriage bans and choke on the arsenic laden water and $6.50 per gallon gas prices that your vote has bought you. Best of luck with Iraq, by the way."
Bush officials had no comment, other than to confirm the pending elimination of the E.P.A., the reduction of the minimum wage to $2.00 per hour, the reinstatement of the Dred Scott decision and the nomination of Ralph Reed to replace William Rehnquist on the Supreme Court.
Meanwhile, Providence, Rhode Island was being strongly considered as a symbolic location for the new nation's capital. "More than 300 years ago, Anne Hutchinson led a stubborn band of colonists who refused to recognize the maniacal, religious right morality of the Puritans and went off to form Rhode Island," reminded Kerry. "Today, we refuse to recognize the Puritanical zealotry of John Ashcroft, **** Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld and form our own nation, free of Cracker Barrels, Dale Earnhardt memorials and Lee Greenwood. This is a great day for New England."
