serious family question

I am having a hard time right now with my relationship. My girlfriend of 5 years has left me, and has taken our daughter. I want to spend as much time with my daughter as possible and keep her with me if thats possible. does anyone know if it is possible for the dad to keep the child? or am i going to be paying child support, and stil not getting to choose when i see my daughter? My x girlfriend is a student right now (as am i) and she has no criminal past, neither do i. any information helps.

Sorry for such a serious question, but if i ask my parents for help they will hire tons of lawyers, and try to my my x girlfriends life a living hell, which i still care for very much and want to keep a good relationship with for our daughter. So im in between a rock and a hard spot

That really sucks dude, sorry to hear that. The first thing you should do is have a long talk with your ex-G/F, see if the two of you can get on the same page as far as your daughter's best interests go. If the two of you can agree to terms, having a lawyer draw up a custody/visitation document shouldn't be too expensive. If the two of you can't agree, then maybe you need to tell her that your next option is to consult a lawyer, which will require her to do the same and be a messier, much more expensive way to settle visitation and custody arrangements.


Either way, I'd recommend getting something in writing that settles the custody and visitation sooner rather than later, like after she suddenly decides to move out of state and take your little girl with her. Women are evil, good luck.

XJ=Fun said:

I am having a hard time right now with my relationship. My girlfriend of 5 years has left me, and has taken our daughter. I want to spend as much time with my daughter as possible and keep her with me if thats possible. does anyone know if it is possible for the dad to keep the child? or am i going to be paying child support, and stil not getting to choose when i see my daughter? My x girlfriend is a student right now (as am i) and she has no criminal past, neither do i. any information helps.

Sorry for such a serious question, but if i ask my parents for help they will hire tons of lawyers, and try to my my x girlfriends life a living hell, which i still care for very much and want to keep a good relationship with for our daughter. So im in between a rock and a hard spot

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She left with the kid, which is a pretty good indicator that communication broke down. Either she's being coached or she felt she/child was in danger. Lawyer up ASAP and get ready. Don't let her file anything first.

Lawyer up.

Even if you plan to handle it as friends. LIke Fubar said, talk with her, if you can work it out and do it for the both of you, you can file the paper work yourself and it will only cost a couple hundred bucks.


4 years ago, My wife and I seperated. At first it was friendly.. Then she started talking alamony, custody of our kids etc....

I lawyered up, and did what was best for my kids and myself.

I have full custody. Oregon doesn't have a 50/50 parenting plan like other states. They don't distinguish between physical and legal custody either.

Make sure you continue to be involved with your daughter as MUCH as possible during all of this. It may be hard, it may suck, but if you don't it will show a status quo.


I would consult a Lawyer ASAP. You don't have the divorce issue, but custody is the tough part. You can get a free consultation from most.

ECKSJAY said:

She left with the kid, which is a pretty good indicator that communication broke down. Either she's being coached or she felt she/child was in danger. Lawyer up ASAP and get ready. Don't let her file anything first.

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X5

it was the strangest thing. she met a friend at her new jobsite that is going through divorce, then all of a sudden she leaves me and moves in with this female co-worker. the female co worker is like 46 years old and is playing the wise role, telling her that i dont spend enough time with her, and that she can do better. at first i tried everything to work it out, but i have given up. I feel that if she can be convinced to leave me, then thats probably not someone i wanna be with. i have not been able to eat for the past two days because i feel like the life is being sucked out of me. material things such as my cars dont make me happy anymore, they dont even matter.

XJ=Fun said:

it was the strangest thing. she met a friend at her new jobsite that is going through divorce, then all of a sudden she leaves me and moves in with this female co-worker. the female co worker is like 46 years old and is playing the wise role, telling her that i dont spend enough time with her, and that she can do better. at first i tried everything to work it out, but i have given up. I feel that if she can be convinced to leave me, then thats probably not someone i wanna be with. i have not been able to eat for the past two days because i feel like the life is being sucked out of me. material things such as my cars dont make me happy anymore, they dont even matter.

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Well, you're not alone. She's being coached and it sounds like a real toxic situation. Keep the kid's best interests in mind while guarding your nads. I've been through some of this garbage and the best thing you can do is get in and talk to an attorney about what you'd like and they'll tell you what's feasible.

That sucks. I wish you the best. Maybe she will come around. Its never easy. Especially when you are younger.



One thing, Keep a journal, of every converstion, event etc.. Document when you see your daughter, when she won't let you...

Hopefully she will come around and realize the grass isn't greener on the other side, and that you two should be sticking it out now through the tough times so you can get to a better place in life..


Sorry man, this crap is never easy.

Sorry to hear. I went through this not long ago so hear is the short story of what I did. go to or call and make an appt. to a meadeator at the court house ( probably not spelled right ) and they will write up the legal paperwork for FREE. It will help the process go faster if the two of you can come to a mutual agreemant on visitation, medical insurance and so on. Then you go downstairs in the court and file it thats the only part that costs. I think it was somewhere around $700 and in my case the judge signed our paperwork and it became a legal " contract" between the two of us. Im not sure if it would be different for your county or if It's a state wide thing but look into it IMO It's an easy and fairly quick way to go about a hard a crappy situation like this. Hope all works out for you!

definately keep a journal, every conversation, every visit, anything that's said during exchanges and the like. get to a lawyer asap... yesterday would be good if possible! she has the who who and that's usually a killer for guys. make your intentions know asap and stand behind them... be early for visitation, do every thing you can to show that your little girl is your number one concern and get to the court house first. sorry you're goin through this, i hate to see guys get screwed when it comes to their kids. there is an organization here in washington that is called the other parent that you can search for and they may be able to help you some but thats what they do is help the noncustodial parent get visitation and not get screwed with support they can't afford and things like that. hope this helps.

GlueNTape said:

Lawyer up.

Even if you plan to handle it as friends. LIke Fubar said, talk with her, if you can work it out and do it for the both of you, you can file the paper work yourself and it will only cost a couple hundred bucks.

Make sure you continue to be involved with your daughter as MUCH as possible during all of this. It may be hard, it may suck, but if you don't it will show a status quo.

I would consult a Lawyer ASAP. You don't have the divorce issue, but custody is the tough part. You can get a free consultation from most.

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X6........
Pay the most attention to the advise you get from people in your state, because the rules change from state to state. Lawyer up, they know the rules in your state best.

Also, keep good care of yourself. I know it will be hard, but do it for your daughter. Keep a routine and make seeing your daughter part of your routine. Eating and sleeping at the same time every day is important. Try your best to stick to a routine.

Keep talking and communicating with friends and/or family. Talking these things out will help a lot. Do not feel shy about talking, posting and or PMing people on here. Their are a lot of very good people on here.

Keep us up to date...good luck....

Wow guys thanks a lot for taking time out of your day and helping me out. Unfortunately i leaked word of it to my father and he has already contacted some lawyers for me, hopefully it does not get too messy, but if it does i realize that my relationship with my X will no longer be, and im ok with that.

Hey man, I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. I hope things work out for you. Let me know if I can do anything to help.

fourplayoffroad said:

Sorry to hear. I went through this not long ago so hear is the short story of what I did. go to or call and make an appt. to a meadeator at the court house ( probably not spelled right ) and they will write up the legal paperwork for FREE. It will help the process go faster if the two of you can come to a mutual agreemant on visitation, medical insurance and so on. Then you go downstairs in the court and file it thats the only part that costs. I think it was somewhere around $700 and in my case the judge signed our paperwork and it became a legal " contract" between the two of us. Im not sure if it would be different for your county or if It's a state wide thing but look into it IMO It's an easy and fairly quick way to go about a hard a crappy situation like this. Hope all works out for you!

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x's 2 on having the free folks do it, but i do highly recommend looking out for yourself as well. Getting advice is a great first step ! obviously the kids gotta come first, but know ahead of time that Oregon law says dad is required to carry insurance on the kids, and you will pay some sort of support. just depends on what you guys agree on as far as custody and who makes whatas far as income etc...

my x and i did ours off the internet and it cost 350. they sent us the papers, we filled em out then sent them to the court. easy squeezy, but the problem with this is i did not think of everything and i was trying to be a nice guy. i agreed to alot of things, because she said "oh i wont take any support" . . . well the state dont give you any choice ! needless to say she has never givin me a dime back. today my kids live with me 75% of the time and i still pay support the same as when they were in NY 65% of the time.

also Xs 2 on documenting EVERYTHING ! especially who actually has the kids when and how long. this was my big mistake. (see above)

it sucks and its expensive, but if i had to do it over again i would get a lawyer and cover my ass !!!

XJ=Fun said:

but if i ask my parents for help they will hire tons of lawyers

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This

and This
Ansh Allah, drink water you'll be alright

If she left, there's no more being nice.
Fight for what you want and go for broke.

After what I went thrue with my EX (no kids involved) IV been fighthing,
She went to jail for not leaving me alone and I got off probation and got my guns back 1 year befor I was going to other wise.

Dude ask mom and dad what to do, but that's only if you really want your kid.

XJ=Fun said:

Wow guys thanks a lot for taking time out of your day and helping me out. Unfortunately i leaked word of it to my father and he has already contacted some lawyers for me, hopefully it does not get too messy, but if it does i realize that my relationship with my X will no longer be, and im ok with that.

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It could be best. I am sure your parents have life experence that will help.


Think long and hard on what you want. I have custody of my kids.. Its a F"in bitch and more work than I could have ever imagined, but I wouldn't change a thing.

Hey that suck. I dont have any kids but ive been with my girlfriend for 11 years and we have been threw some rough times. I couldnt eat or sleep. I am a product of divorce i was really young. But both my parents fought like hell to keep us kids my mom won. But what mattered most in life was that both my parents wanted us. And thats whats important in my person opinon you would be a better parent any way if she that easy convince to leave you god knows what else they could convince her to do. I think your right though why would you wanna be with her any way if she left you by being convince by a coworker to leave you. Your better off with out her. And ive seen it time and time again with friends she will come crawing back. But the best advice has already been givin LAWER UP NOW AND SPEND AS MUCH TIME WITH YOUR DAUGHTER !!!!!!!! Dont wait until its to late. Goodluck

I went through this several years ago - the best advice I can give you is to keep your cool. The ex could be recording your phone conversations (which were admissible in court at the time of my divorce/custody battle), and it goes without saying that you need to keep your cool in front of the judge and while going through the custody evaluation. Oregon is a no-fault state - meaning the court couldn't care less as to why you two are splitting, unless it involves abuse of the spouse or child.
If everything were left up to the state, I'd be hurting pretty bad right now - my ex and I were able to come to an agreement that worked for us both. We agreed upon 50/50 joint custody, though the reality is there is no such thing. During the school year, I have my daughter every weekend, and we swap weeks during the summer. The way I see it, I have more quality time with my little girl since she's in school most of the time while at her mom's. When my wife took off (found out she was cheating), I had my daughter 75% of the time since she was out partying with her boyfriend, and having detailed documentation of that fact probably saved my bacon. Surprisingly enough, I think the fact that my mom provided childcare for our daughter while my wife and I both worked full time swayed things in my favor too - even in my ex's eyes. She was intending to leave the state, but gave up the fight after about 6 months. I think her haste chilled out, and common sense kicked in.
I have to say this - if your ex is a great mother, don't be a dick when it comes to the custody arrangement. Be realistic. Consider the impact on your child in every step, every word you write, every statement you make to the judge.
And I wouldn't count on her "crawling back" to you. I'm not saying it won't happen, but if you've both been on an emotional roller coaster for years, it may be time to hop off and find another ride. No point in being miserable, especially if your daughter can pick up the vibes.

This^
...and
Lawyer up first before she has a chance to. If you truly love your daughter and you think her living with you is the right choice because your ex is not a good parent, you have to be proactive, for your daughter's sake.
Unless your ex is a psycho crack whore, your chances of getting full custody are slim so just remain grounded and realistic and hope for the best. Start noting all of her shortcomings and mental issues that may result in a bad household for your daughter to live in.
I say all this only assuming you're a good guy and that she hasn't left you for the protection of your daughter, but if she's taken your daughter and hasn't allowed contact just to hurt you, you have to prepare for war.