HUMPDAY Joke of the Week!

[Skully]

Every Wednesday a new joke, but feel free to post what ever any other time of the week!



His & Her Diaries;


HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar
to have a drink.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he
was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.


Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said
nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had
nothing to do with me and not to worry.



On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you
too."


When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do
with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and
absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to
bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I
still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell
asleep-

I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with
someone else. My life is a disaster.










HIS DIARY

I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid

[98POSXJ]

Friends ships Men and Women!


Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there

[YELLAHEEP]

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."



They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.



:D

[Skully]

Dept. of Highways:

A cocky South Dakota Department of Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.
He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field."
The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State of South Dakota to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land." So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull.
The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and gaining on the employee at every step. The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!"

**********************************

Texas Police Encounters
GOOD...

In Richardson Texas a State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the north end of the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!" The officer later found a young accomplice down the south end of the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!!)


BETTER...

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano , Texas . A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
The man paid his ticket.


BEST...

A young woman was pulled over in Austin , Texas for speeding. As the Texas State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Trooper's Ball."
He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in the patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
Don't you love those Texas girls!!

[YELLAHEEP]

Ok, that "Better" joke above got me rolling! :D :thumbup:

[XJNOOB93]

Loved all three... and Yella's up there was hilarious too =]

[Kiefer316]

LMFAO those are awesome...

[kujito]

http://i346.photobucket.com/albums/p417/kujito/mil_cutback.jpg

[Hypoid]

This was in my mailbox today:

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from NorthwesternUniversity.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

















Probably wasn't the same elephant.





This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming bullshi! stories

[Kiefer316]

just saw this on the off topic forum and thought i would post it here its a good one


A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around
the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's
liable to break something, but the boy continues.
"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break
something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to
the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for
the store... He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet
where he leaves it..
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge, A
diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and
SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's
seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!
She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the
situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine
everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on
his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he
takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be
and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the
walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is
the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"

[Skully]

A woman goes into a store to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get,
so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart associate
standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me, Sir ... can you tell me
anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you
everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes. She didn't
believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite
rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It's a good all around rod and
reel, and it's $20.00." She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by
the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and
farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could
tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say
it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is
$3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

Thank you for shopping, Have A Great Day!

[Jawa]

Just got this one today...

Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?" The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student agreed. At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.

They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can." The student did as he was instructed. The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it."

The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told. The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool. The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?" The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper.

The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough. However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad. The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!" The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, "Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill."

[Hypoid]

A REDNECK LOVE POEM:


SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

Brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?

[XJNOOB93]

http://stixblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/bailoutmascot.jpg

[5-90]

Little Jimmy and Little Johnny were spending the summer at their grandparent's farm.

They were told in the beginning that if they were good, helped out around the farm, and did all their chores, they'd be taken halfway through the summer to the big department store, where they could each pick out a gift.

The first half of summer went along, and both boys were well motivated. So, they went to the store and got to pick out their gifts. Little Jimmy selected a bicycle, and Little Johnny picked and all-band radio. Both went back to the farm happy.

Little Jimmy was riding his bicycle around one afternoon after all of his work was done, and saw a truck run into a tractor on the road. Excited, he rode back to the farm as quickly as he could to tell his brother.

"Johnny! Johnny! You're not going to believe it! I just saw a truck run into a tractor! Both of them are wrecked!"
"I know. I heard it on the radio half an hour ago."

A few days later, Little Jimmy is out riding around again, and he makes it to town. He sees a cabbie on the radio with a police dispatcher, being coached through delivering a baby. Again, he's all excited and rides back to share the news.

"Johnny! Johnny! I just saw a woman having a baby!"
"I know. I heard the cabbie talking to the police on the radio."

Little Jimmy is incensed. He decides he's going to find something that Johnny won't hear about on the radio - he goes over to the next farm and mounts a pig. He rides back:

"Hey Johnny - guess what? I just lost my virginity!"
"In a pig's arse."
...

"That farkin' radio!"

[Skully]

(Long read but funny when you get to the end and makes sense if you are not so grand in chemistry.)

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

BONUS QUESTION: IS HELL EXOTHERMIC (gives off heat) OR ENDOTHERMIC (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and
heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which
souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world
today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion,
we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls
are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1.) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and
pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2.) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure
will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell
before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is
that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving
only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,

Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

[Jawa]

I was just reading about how Denny's is going to begin offering a new breakfast that was inspired by the "Octomom" that recently gave birth to octuplets.

It consists of 14 eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you picks up the bill. :D

[Skully]

Three guys sitting at a bar drinking some cold ones talking about the good old days.

First guys says; "Hey just out of curiosity how far back do you remember in your childhood? For me I don't remember much before I was 2. I do remember right before I turned 3 on Christmas morning I got my first tricycle, man I loved that thing!"

Second guys says; "That's cool but that is nothing! People don't believe me but I remember when I was born. Cold, bright light in my face, and Doctor manhandling me, my mom and daddy crying and talking about how cute I was."




Third guy says; "...................Well.................. I remember go to the prom with my Dad, and coming home with my mom."




:doh:

[_dallas_]

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in
Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman.
"But it did happen to me sister."

[5-90]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign. "Cheese sandwiches - $2. Handjobs - $10."

He goes up to the woman behind the bar and says, "Excuse me, Miss, but are you the woman that gives the handjobs?"

She says, "Yes, I am."

He says, "Good - wash those hands and fix me a cheese sandwich!"

[Skully]

The wife is busy frying eggs, when her husband comes home. He walks into the kitchen and immediately starts yelling:

"CAREFUL!!!CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!!
CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!!
ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!"

The wife is very upset: "What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry
an egg?"


The husband calmly replies: "This is to show you what it feels like, when I am driving and you sit next to me."

[Skully]

Wife 1.0



Dear Tech Support:


Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected
child processing that took up a lot of space and also
valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now
monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night
10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Car Racing 3.6

Now I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
attempting to run any of my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but for some reason,
the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.


Please PLEASE help!

Thanks,
Troubled User..
_____________________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many men upgrade
from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is merely a Utilities and
Entertainment program.

However, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator
to run absolutely EVERYTHING !!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0.

It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the
system once fully installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow this. Please look in your Wife 1.0 tech manual under

"Warnings-Alimony-Child Support." I further recommend that you keep
Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background
application "Yes Dear" to all operations to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a fairly good program, but it really tends to be very high
maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean
and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will
cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the
only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend you try Chocolate 6.2, Flowers 2.1 and (as a very
last resort) Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING, DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES INSTALL Short Skirt Secretary 3.3.and/or Big Cleavage Assistant. 4.0 as these applications are not
supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[in4aride]

hahahahahahahahaha that last one was great!

[Jawa]

I've seen some good variations of that one. I liked one that talked about the consequences of attempting to run instances of Girlfriend 7.0 simultaneously with Wife 1.0... :D

[Kiefer316]

LOL

[Skully]

This guy is traveling across the country on the scenic back roads going from the East coast to the West Coast. On the second day of his long journey he finds himself driving on a stretch of road where there is not a lot of towns and driving for what seems like half the day looking for a place to stop, fuel, eat, and get some sleep.

He finally comes across a small town that has one gas station, one motel, and one Cafe. Starving he walks into the Cafe first only to find it packed full of people.

He finds an opening at the bar and takes a seat. What appears to be the only waitress at the bar and she is frantically running back and forth not noticing he sat down at the table.

He looks to the left and an older gentlemen sitting staring at the wall, with a full bowl of soup just sitting in front of him looking untouched.

He finally gets the waitress's attention; "Can I get a bowl of soup, a club sandwich and a cup of coffee."

The waitress replies; "Sure honey, but it might take 15 minutes we are super busy!"

Not really in a position to complain or argue he says; "That's fine!"

Five minutes passes but feels like forever and notices that the older man still has not touched his bowl of soup.

He leans over to him and says; "Sir, are you going to eat that?"

The older gentlemen replies; "Nope."

He then asks the older gentlemen; "This might sound inappropriate but I have not eaten all day and I am starving. Can I have the bowl of soup, I'll pay you for it?"

The older gentlemen replies; "Sure"

As soon as the older gentlemen says that he grabs the bowl of soup pulling it in front of him and starts spooning it down. Gets close to the bottom of the bowl and spots half an old comb lying in the bottom of the bowl. Instantly vomiting back up the soup into the bowl perfectly!

The older Gentlemen looks over at him and says; "Yap, that is about as far as I got too."

[RTicUL8]

Ugh! I just felt my lunch gurgle in my stomach.

[Skully]

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally,
and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone
else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take
two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote.

Repeat until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

[Skully]

THE WISDOM OF LARRY THE CABLE GUY

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

[.40CalPatriot]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor to give a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing"

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get that darn jar open."

[Hypoid]

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi." The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says, "Excellent trade, sir."

[Skully]

THE LITTLE OLD LADY IN COURT. . .


Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?


Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.


Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened
the night of April 1st?


Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on
the porch and sat down beside me.


Defense Attorney: Did you know him?


Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.


Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.


Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?


Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.



Defense Attorney: Why not?


Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner
died some 30 years ago.


Defense Attorney: What happened next?


Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.


Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?



Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.


Defense Attorney: Why not?


Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
I haven't felt that good in years!


Defense Attorney: What happened next?


Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just
laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"


Defense Attorney: Did he take you?


Little Old Lady: No! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I
shot him, the little bastard!

[Skully]

A guy comes home from work and as soon as he closes the door he hears
his bed squeaking.

He walks up the stairs and into the bedroom and finds his wife on top
screwing his best friend.

In a fit of rage, the guy goes and gets his gun and shoots his wife in
the back of her head. Feeling sudden remorse, he calls the police and
tells him what he did.

When the police arrive and he explains what happened, the officer asks
if he shot his best friend as well.

"No" he replies.

Did you say anything to him? the officer asked.

"Yes" he replies.

Well, what did you say to him?, the officer asked.

"Bad Dog!"

[YELLAHEEP]

"Bad Dog!"


LOL with a side of "eew"

:D

[Jawa]

That reminded me of this one...


Two dogs, a poodle and a labrador, are sitting with their owners in the lobby of the veterinarian's office. The poodle looks over at the lab and asks, "What are you here for?"

"Well," replies the lab, "This morning my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was getting ready when she dropped an earring. She got down on hands and knees looking for it and I just couldn't help myself, I mounted her and went to town."

"Oh my!" says the shocked poodle, "So you're here to be put down, aren't you?!?!"

"No," says the lab, "I'm here to get my claws trimmed."

:D

[Kiefer316]

WOW those are hilarious... Just think if she was looking for the earing and the husband walked in right as the dog hopped up on her... NOW that would be funny.

[.40CalPatriot]

WOW those are hilarious... Just think if she was looking for the earing and the husband walked in right as the dog hopped up on her... NOW that would be funny.

:twak::twak::twak::twak::twak:

[Kiefer316]

:twak::twak::twak::twak::twak:

I like to think outside the box sometimes! LOL

[.40CalPatriot]

I like to think outside the box sometimes! LOL

How about you just stay in the box!

[Kiefer316]

How about you just stay in the box!

Yeah that's not possible!

[Hypoid]

Note to dog:


The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.



Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:




TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less.
(2) don't ask for money all the time.
(3) are easier to train.
(4) normally come when called.
(5) never ask to drive the car.
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people.
(7) don't smoke or drink.
(8) don't want to wear your clothes.
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions.
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college.
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ..

[kujito]

hahahaha

[Skully]

9 Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. Remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. And change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?!

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumb ass?

[YELLAHEEP]

Meh........ some of that ain't exactly accurate........

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. Remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. And change the channel manually.

What, I'm not allowed to change the channel AFTER I've found the remote and I'm all comfy on the couch?

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?!

Decompose. Especially if you've been pumped full of Formaldehyde........

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumb ass?

Hey, that dumbass might have missed the bus too and is waiting for the next one.........


:D

[Skully]

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the
meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and
shapely the housekeeper was.

Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was
more between the two than met the eye.
Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my
relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and
said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been
unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he
took it do you?"

The priest said, "well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be
sure." So he sat down and wrote: "dear Father, I'm not saying that
you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you
'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been
missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young
priest which read: " dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do 'sleep
with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep
with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were
sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by
now."

[Hypoid]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . . . . .




































So I just switched the heads.'





(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING!!!)

[Skully]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs
into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins
to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a
firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides
down the horse's side anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away
from the horse and throws herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is
now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck
against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....




Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma,
and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

[.40CalPatriot]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs
into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins
to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a
firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides
down the horse's side anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away
from the horse and throws herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is
now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck
against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....




Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma,
and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.



:dunno: I think that joke is older than I am.

[Hypoid]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending a company Christmas party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!
Love, Jill"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it. Then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean. I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $39.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS!

[Hypoid]

Looks like Skully is slacking...


Remember reading all the jokes about 'Little Johnny'? You know, the kid that the teachers are afraid to call on for answers in the class, for fear of what he might say... Well, finally a photo of 'Little Johnny' has surfaced. See if you can find him in the picture!


The theme of this picture was, 'Make a funny face'!


http://i232.photobucket.com/albums/ee120/Hypoid/Misc%20stuff/LittleJohnny.jpg

I knew you'd be able to find him

[Skully]

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello or remember the old rerun skits,




Please read on..



If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:



*COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT*



ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?


COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.


ABBOTT: Mac?


COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.


ABBOTT: Your computer?


COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.


ABBOTT: Mac?


COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.


ABBOTT: What about Windows?


COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?


ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?


COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?


ABBOTT: Wallpaper.


COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.


ABBOTT: Software for Windows?


COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals track expenses and run my business. What do you have?


ABBOTT: Office.


COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?


ABBOTT: I just did.


COSTELLO: You just did what?


ABBOTT: Recommend something.


COSTELLO: You recommended something?


ABBOTT: Yes.


COSTELLO: For my office?


ABBOTT: Yes.


COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?


ABBOTT: Office.


COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!


ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.


COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?


ABBOTT: Word.


COSTELLO: What word?


ABBOTT: Word in Office.


COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.


ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.


COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?


ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".


COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?


ABBOTT: Money.


COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?


ABBOTT: Money.


COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?


ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.


COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?


ABBOTT: Money.


COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?


ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.


COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?


ABBOTT: One copy.


COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?


ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.


COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?


ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!



(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?



COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?



ABBOTT: Click on "START".......

[Skully]

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining
to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically
telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day
take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few
seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper,
and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long
will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

[Skully]

THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY

DONT SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE
SWEATY THINGS.

ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE
KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN
"WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD
ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE
AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH
HIS WAGES?

CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS
THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

THE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS IS THAT THEY DON'T TALK
ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST
DROWN ALSO?

WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

[Hypoid]

A wealthy old gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa, taking his faithful, elderly German Shepherd along for the trip.

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in a mess now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!” says the leopard, “That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!”

Meanwhile a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the leopard with great speed and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says… “Where’s that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”


Moral of this story… Don’t mess with the old dogs… age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Brilliance only comes with age and experience.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more ‘youthfully challenged.’

You did notice the size of the print?

[Skully]

There was a little boy walking one day and he walked by this
house. On the front porch of the house was an old man. The man
says to the boy, "Where are you going with that chicken wire?"

The boy says, " To catch chickens!"

The man says, "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

After a couple of hours the boy returns with a dozen chickens on
the wire. The man was amazed and the asked the boy for his
secret. He did not reveal it. The next day, the same boy walked by
the same man but now with duct tape.

"Where you going with duct tape, boy?"

"To catch ducks!"

"You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

"Watch!" says the boy. A few hours later, he returns with ducks
lined along the tape. Again the old man was amazed and really
wanted the secret. The next day after, the boy walks by again.

The old man says, " Where you going with that stick?"

The boy says, " This ain't no stick, this here is a pussy willow."

The old man says, "Wait here so I can grab my hat and I'll be right
with ya!"

[Skully]

Top Ten Times in history when using the "f" word was appropriate:

-----

1) "What the f**k was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima

2) "Where did all these f**king Indians come from?" -Custer

3) "Any f**king idiot could understand that." - Einstein

4) "It does SO f**king look like her!" - Picasso

6) "How the f**k did you work that out?" - Pythagoras

5) "You want WHAT on the f**king ceiling?" - Michaelangelo

4) "I don't suppose it's gonna f**king rain." - Joan of Arc

3) "Scattered f**king showers... my ass!" - Noah

2) "I need this parade like I need a f**king hole in my head!" - J.F.K.

1) "Who the f**k is going to know?" - Bill Clinton

[Hugothegrunt]

Top Ten Times in history when using the "f" word was appropriate:

-----

1) "What the f**k was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima

2) "Where did all these f**king Indians come from?" -Custer

3) "Any f**king idiot could understand that." - Einstein

4) "It does SO f**king look like her!" - Picasso

6) "How the f**k did you work that out?" - Pythagoras

5) "You want WHAT on the f**king ceiling?" - Michaelangelo

4) "I don't suppose it's gonna f**king rain." - Joan of Arc

3) "Scattered f**king showers... my ass!" - Noah

2) "I need this parade like I need a f**king hole in my head!" - J.F.K.

1) "Who the f**k is going to know?" - Bill Clinton

Where did you learn to count?:twak:

[Blue96XJ]

Where did you learn to count?:twak:


See post #50, whose class photo?!? jk... :cheers:

[Hugothegrunt]

See post #50, whose class photo?!? jk... :cheers:

You know it does kinda look like Matt.:D

[Hypoid]

Where did you f**king learn to count?:twak:
Fiksed :shhh:

[Hypoid]

How marriage really works...



---A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know....they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres, chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey.... At the bar... You know....there's swearing, dirty words and all that....'

'You want dirty words, D******d? Drink your f*****g beer in your G*****n frozen mug and eat your m**********g snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f*****g going anywhere! Got it, A*****e?'

..........and, they lived happily ever after.


Now, isn't that a sweet story?!!

You'll have to email me for the un-edited version. LOL

[Skully]

Where did you learn to count?:twak:


:twak: ...........back, it is still 10 lines.

I didn't write it I cut and pasted it from my huge, saved over the years joke files.....................................:moon:

[Hypoid]

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, ' Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex ' .

The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. “We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening!”

“But what about afterward?” asked her friends.

“Oh, that........ Ralph was too tired.”

[Skully]

(Slacking on this thread as of late.:D )




Why Jeeps are better than women.


1. Your Jeep will never break apart from you for no reason.

2. You can drive your Jeep any time of the month.

3. Jeeps don't have parents.

4. You can share your Jeep with your friends.

5. Jeeps don't care how many other Jeeps you've ridden.

6. When driving, you and your Jeep can arrive at the same time.

7. Jeeps don't care how many other Jeeps you have.

8. Jeeps don't care if you look at other Jeeps.

9. Jeeps don't care if you buy Jeep magazines.

10. You'll never hear; "Surprise, you are going to have a new Jeep." unless you buy one yourself.

11. If your Jeep has a flat you can fix it.

12. If your Jeep is too loose you can tighten it.

13. If you Jeep is misaligned, you don't have to talk politics with it.

14. You can have a black Jeep and bring it home to your parents.

15. You don't have to be jealous of the guy working on your Jeep.

16. If you say bad things to your Jeep, you don't have to apologise before you can drive it again.

17. You can drive your Jeep as long and as hard as you want, and it won't get sore.

18. You can stop driving your Jeep as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.

19. Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Jeep after you dump it.

20. Jeeps don't whine unless there is something really wrong.

21. Jeeps don't get headaches.

22. Jeeps don't insult you if you are a bad driver.

23. Your Jeep never wants a night out with other Jeeps.

24. Jeeps don't care if your late.

25. You don't have to take a shower before you can ride your Jeep.

26. If your Jeep doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

27. You can ride your Jeep the first time you meet without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meets its mother.

28. The only protection you have to wear when riding your Jeep is a good seatbelt.

29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great drive you had the last time you where in your Jeep.

30. Your Jeep is never embarrassed to go topless in public.

31. You only have to feed your Jeep when you use it.

32. A rocky relationship with your Jeep is actually fun.

33. Jeeps don't care how much money you spend on them.

34. You don't have to remember your Jeeps birthday, when you first met, or aniversaries.

35. You never have to worry about your Jeep spending your money without knowing about it.

36. Jeeps don't leak for ten minutes after you drive them hard.

[89wheelin]

thats got everything in it. just cant let the wife see it!!!!:kissyou:

[YELLAHEEP]

Sorry, but #36......... not true in most cases. :D

[Fred]

Sorry, but #36......... not true in most cases. :D

x2

[mcantar18c]

Why Jeeps are better than women.

1. Your Jeep will never break apart from you for no reason.
Jeeps can get stolen just the same as girls can.

4. You can share your Jeep with your friends.
I'm just as opposed to letting most of my friends drive the Jeep as I am to letting them drive the girl.

15. You don't have to be jealous of the guy working on your Jeep.
But you are anyway, and you know it.

20. Jeeps don't whine unless there is something really wrong.
You've never driven mine.
The Jeep, I mean... not the girl :D

27. You can ride your Jeep the first time you meet without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meets its mother.
Hehehe...

34. You don't have to remember your Jeeps birthday, when you first met, or aniversaries.
But you have to remember when to grease the zerks, retorque the bolts, change the oil, etc.

36. Jeeps don't leak for ten minutes after you drive them hard.
As Yella said, that's not always true.



:moon:

[ColoradoRaptor]

Good laughs!!

[Skully]

(In case anyone needs a copy of this.)

HILLBILLY DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION

Last name: __________________________ First name: (Check appropriate box)

[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth


Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic

[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress

[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________

2nd Spouse's Name: ______________________

3rd Spouse's Name: ______________________

Lover's Name: ___________________________

2nd Lover's Name: _______________________

Relationship to spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number of children living in shed: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: ______________________

Father's Name: ______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_]own or [_]rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

[Skully]

Subject: Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6 or 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen
to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms,
son....Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that
in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why
are there 3 in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday,
one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO
for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking
up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men.
One for January, one for February, one for March........"

[Skully]

At an ecumenical round-table discussion various religious leaders
tried to answer "When does life start?"

"At conception" said the Catholic priest.

"No,no"said the Presbyterian minister, "It begins at birth."

"It's in between," said the Baptist, "Life begins at 12 weeks
when the fetus develops a functional heartbeat"

I disagree with all of you," said the Rabbi, "Life begins when
your last child leaves home and takes his dog with him."

[Hypoid]

The Fishing Trip

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming
fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go
this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing
and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up
camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the
campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and
a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"

"I didn't have to," Dave replied.

Yesterday, when I left work , I went home and slumped down in my
chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing.
Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said,
'Surprise'!"

"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful
see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me
to the bed and you can do whatever you want'.....

So, Here I am!"

[Hypoid]

I hate my job!

My job is so freaking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career oppertunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the freaking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big freaking dog to work. Every freaking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single freaking day.

Anyway, I drive these tards around in my van and we solve mysteries and crap.

[Hypoid]

A blond teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blond jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blond came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, the blond replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip... "And by the way," the blond added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."





I almost changed that Lexus into an Audi, almost...:)

[jimgrms]

So i decided to seek out a job
found one as a greeter at wally world , and on my first day at work as i was at my door greeting folks a mean spirited laly with two kicking and screaming kids in tow came in ' i said Good morninr mam lovely set of twins you have :
They ain't twins one is 7 and one is 9 what the hell makes you think they are twins
are you blind or stupid she snarled

No mam i am neither it just your so ugly i couldn't imagine any one having sex with you more than once .
My supervisor said i was not cut out for this line of work

[Skully]

One day God, mosses, and an old man were playing golf. They
were at the 3rd hole. Moses steps up and hits the ball. The
ball goes into the water. Moses spread the water and
hit the ball into the hole. "Hole in 2" he yells, "Beat that, Jesus."

Jesus stepped up and hit the ball onto a lilly pad.
He walked out onto the water and hit the ball
into the hole. "Not bad if I say so myself" says Jesus. "Beat
that, old man."

The old man steps up and hits the ball, Just as the ball
is about to hit the water, a turtle pops up and the ball bounces
off of his back, flying onto the green where a jack rabbit runs
by and knocks the ball into the hole. "A hole in one" says the old
man. "I won."

Moses turned to Jesus and said "I hate it when your dad plays."

[Skully]

Really bad replies & comments
===================================

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that
but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
-- Mariah Carey


Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live
forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then
we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is
why I would not live forever. -- Miss Alabama in the 1994
Miss Universe contest



Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of
the same reactions in the brain as marijuana...The
researchers also discovered other similarities between the
two, but can't remember what they are.
--Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22



I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the
law.
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that
he failed to pay his taxes.



Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part
of your life.
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign



I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball



Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
rates in
the country.
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC



The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this
century's history...We all lived in this century. I didn't live
in this century.
-- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential
candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of
the Holocaust



The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them
unsafe.
-- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia


After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the
school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David
Steele to the post.
-- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

[Jawa]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here" --- and -- PING ! -- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero . And I want to have white skin like Americans" ---and --- PING ! -- The man was transformed - wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed, "Where is my new house?"



The fairy said:

"Tough shit, Amigo, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself."

And she disappeared!

[jimgrms]

A pleasure cruise went all wrong and the ship sunk
There were only 3 survivors Troy Frank and Sue stranded on a desert island ' and after awhile they started engaging in casual sex after a year Sue started thinking how immoral all this sex was and killed herselfthis devestated Troy and Frank but they soon got over it and started enguaging in casual sex again. after a few years Troy and Frank discussed there immoral relationship m and started feelind bad about it
so they burried Sue

[RTicUL8]

eww...http://www.websmileys.com/sm/obscene/eck09.gif

[in4aride]

Jim........wow.......
I am.......wow...... Dunno if I can even laugh at that.
That's bad. I saw that going a whole different direction

[collkid]

yeah that was weird, made me smile though. Who's Sue?

[jimgrms]

Sue is my ex wife

[flingshot]

Sue is my ex wife

How did you sink that Cruise ship?

[Fred]

A woman asked her doctor if she could get pregnant having anal sex.
Her doctor said, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

[jimgrms]

A woman asked her doctor if she could get pregnant having anal sex.
Her doctor said, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

now thats just plain wrong

[Skully]

now thats just plain wrong

I da know there Jim yours was pretty bad.........................:scared:

[jimgrms]

I apoligize that joke was in poor taste :>{ )))))
and for misspelling apoligize also

[Skully]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and
generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic
name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also
called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After
careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently
announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of
course, Ibepokin.


Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available
in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this
a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails',
'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will
market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that
by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and
huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[in4aride]

This means that
by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and
huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

that is awesome. Best sig line candidate ever. I was laughing at the names but THAT is hilarious

[gsxrs4life]

lmfao rofl....

[gsxrs4life]

my stomach hurts....

[.40CalPatriot]

I'm sure glad they found that kid in the balloon. For a minute there, I thought Michael Jackson had ordered take-out from heaven!

[XJNOOB93]

I can't believe I wasted an afternoon watching that crap on television.. only to find out they planned it.

[kujito]

Got emailed this one yesterday. Made me laugh and throw up in my mouth a little bit at the same time.

One time when I was visiting Toronto I asked a chap where I could
find a good house of ill repute. He gave me an address and said to ask
for Sally.

I went to the address and requested Sally. She took me to a
room, stripped down and said, "Go ahead, but let me know how it is."

After a few minutes I said, "It's not bad but a bit loose." She
said, "Get off for a moment." I did that and she reached down and fiddled
about with her privates. "Try it now." she said. I did and found it
better but still a bit loose, so I told her so. She repeated her
actions and when I tried it again it was perfect.

When we were finished and I was paying her I asked, "How do you manage to adjust
it's size to fit anyone?"
"Well," she said, "I've been in this business for some time and have developed warts on one side and wormholes on the other. I just button them up."

[jimgrms]

How come when your wife is pregnant all her female friends
rub her belly and say congratulations
But they don't rub your penis and say well done ::

[Fred]

Bumper sticker on a mini-van:

HONK if my kids fall out.

[Hypoid]

Jim, it must have been the comment about being a sparky and not a mechanic that made me think of you first:

How to change your oil. (http://www.wonderhowto.com/how-to/video/how-to-change-your-oil-the-french-maid-way-241907/)

For those of you didn't pay attention the first time around, you can replay the video until you get the general idea.

Probably NSFW, or if your SO is in the room...

[Skully]

For all the single members out there here is some great pick up lines;

THE WORLD'S BEST/WORST PICKUP LINES

1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and
tell her that I just met the girl of my dreams.
OR:
I want to call your mother and thank her.
3. Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the
sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a
snappy answer in case they say "yes."]
4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table
and take what I want?
6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we
did anyway..
7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and
spread the word.
8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom
floor tomorrow morning.
10. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
11. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."
12. Nice shoes. Wanna XXXX?
13. Can I flirt with you?
14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice
set of buns.
15. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you
doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven.
OR:
Checking to see if you're the right size.
16. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
17. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against
me?
18. XXXX me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
20. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
22. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. [Cheese
alert!]
23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
24. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
25. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
27. So... How am I doin'?
28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these
wet clothes?
29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.
30. Say, that's a nice [dress/outfit/article of clothing]. Can I
talk you out of it?
31. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
32. I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.
33. Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?
34. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.
35. Is your last name Gillette cause I hear your are the best a
man can get.

[Skully]

A young boy is outside is house sitting around, drinking a nice
cold beer.

A priest walks by and sees this young boy drinking a beer.

He walks up to the young boy and says;

"Young man, how old are you?"

"Nine, whats its to ya?" says the boy.

"Thats a little young to be drinking there son, does your
parents know what you are doing?"

"Who do you think gave me the beer? This is nothing, I lost my
virginaty when I was 5 years old." replies the boy.

"Who did you sleep with at that age?" snaps the priest.

The boy replies;

"I don't know, I don't remember a thing about the party, I was drunk."

[Hypoid]

A man owned a small farm in South Carolina . The South Carolina Wage &
Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the Agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus free room and board. There's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to.....the half-wit", says the Agent.

"That would be me", replied the farmer.

[Skully]

A man walking down the beach sees an old bottle in the sand and begins
to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks
it up, and a pissed-off female genie emerges. She says, "normally I
grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son-of-a-bitch, I am going to grant
only 1."

He thinks a minute and says, "Okay, I want to wake up with 3 women in
my bed."

She says, "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle. Next
morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton.

So now he has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance.

[hillbillypajeeps]

just found this post there are some great ones and hopefully these will be too.



while in the marines i was stationed in the phillipines.
one night i decided to pick up a local woman of questionable character...
while the midst of getting it on, she starts screaming "Kosonama ,Kosonoma,Kosonoma" i thought wow im doing great.
we finished up and she was on her way.

the next day im playing a round of golf with the local officers,,and i smacked the ball for a 225 yard hole in one.

so i start yelling "kosonoma,kosonoma"

and the officer closest to me looks at me and says



" what do you mean wrong hole"




:viking:

[Skully]

Been ignoring this thread........shame on sKuLLy! Hasta :greensmok




Headlines;Respecting the late Gary Coleman

"The Coleman family made special arrangements for Gary's funeral today.

The family went all out and got a special and unique casket for him, even got his name engraved on the side in a special manner. "






























http://images.thesamba.com/vw/classifieds/pix/2455471.jpg








Horrible I know.............................. :shocked:

[Skully]

...........I just hope for the late Gary Coleman Surf doesn't drive anywhere close to his burial site. Poor cooler...................... :shhh:



Hey I am on a roll today! :looney:

[Kiefer316]

HAHA! Good one. My mom asked about the cooler picture and i read the joke to her. She laughed so hard

[Skully]

A great excuse to use when you get stopped by the police for speeding. (although your age really plays in to this.)






A local police officer stopped an 83 year old lady for going 65mph in a 35mph zone.

When the officer asked why she was going SO fast.





The little old lady responded;

"I was trying to get there as fast as I could..............before I forgot where I was going."

[jimgrms]

A great excuse to use when you get stopped by the police for speeding. (although your age really plays in to this.)






A local police officer stopped an 83 year old lady for going 65mph in a 35mph zone.

When the officer asked why she was going SO fast.





The little old lady responded;

"I was trying to get there as fast as I could..............before I forgot where I was going."

X2

[.40CalPatriot]

:wierd: Must be an old guy thing.........

[Apostle]

Came accross this, thought i would share :)


Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed
> between a little
> 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will
> make you believe
> that we all can make a difference when we give a child the
> gift of our time.
>
> A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One
> day, a
> construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot.
> The young
> family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest
> in the goings-on and
> spent much of each day observing the workers.
>
> Eventually the construction crew, all of them
> 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or
> less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted
> with her during
> coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here
> and there to
> make her feel important.
>
> At the end of the first week, they even presented her with
> a pay envelope
> containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to
> her mother who
> suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay'
> she'd received to the bank
> the next day to start a savings account.
>
> When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was
> equally impressed
> and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own
> pay check at such
> a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked
> last week with a
> real construction crew building the new house next door to
> us.'
>
> 'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller,
> 'and will you be working on the
> house again this week, too?'
>
> The little girl replied, 'I will if those a$$holes at
> Lowe's ever deliver
> the frikin' sheet rock.'

[Blue96XJ]

Not humpday, but thought this would be appreciated:


George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she's finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he's finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge and feel free to call the USA anytime. Putin goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became President of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

[mcantar18c]

Not Humpday today either, but this was funny...


5 Rules A Man Should Follow to Live Happily

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman,who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.

[loren mcclellan]

a horseback cop is about to cross the street when a little girl on a new bicycle pulls up next to him. the cop ask"nice bike, did santa give you that for christmas"? "yes".the cop hands her a ticket for a safety violation and says "give this to your dad and tell him to tell santa that a reflector goes on the back of the bike". the little girl fumes for a second and then asks the officer "nice horse, did santa give you that for christmas"? the cop humoring the little girl said "yes he did" then the lttle girl said "WELL TELL SANTA THE DICK GOES UNDERNEATH THE HORSE AND NOT ON TOP"

[.40CalPatriot]

It was a tough year but I made it !!!

But not everyone is as lucky as I am......

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds" you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'.

Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their childrens' names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

BP Oil laid off 25 congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh, great!! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

And finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[jimgrms]

I did not know what true happiness was till i got married, By then it was too late :<{)))

[Hypoid]

I did not know what true happiness was till i got married, By then it was too late :<{)))
Awww c'mon Jim, I know you miss your wife.











With a little more practice, your aim should improve. :)

[.40CalPatriot]

These are classified ads, which were actually
placed in a U.K. newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!


FREE PUPPIES. 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.


FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German
Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single
bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.



JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100.



WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.


And the
WINNER is...

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45
volumes.. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got
married, wife knows everything.

[mcantar18c]

George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him and said "No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse." The second barber turned to Bush and asked "How about you sir?" Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

[Poofengle]

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path, so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home.

The father told the mother, "If he takes the money, he will be a businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home.

He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality, then he left for his room carrying all the three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Damn! It's even worse than I ever imagined..."

"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.

"He's gonna be a politician." the father replied.

[mcantar18c]

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican.."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

[Skully]

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded,"What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service,
and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility.

I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care they turned me down."

[xj-grin]

hey, look! Its Skully! How's the fam, Matt?

[Skully]

hey, look! Its Skully! How's the fam, Matt?

We are healthy and alive, other than that got caught in that hole of economic instability and suckyness. Now all our stress and attention is on that, living week to week, having to put our hobbies to the side.

Plus it is our three year Division approval coming around the corner at work, so working a lot of extra time to make sure the files are all in order. (sucks I am salary, would make killer overtime.)

I am always around just not much time to banter.

Hoping all the good karma I produce each day I work will come back to me somehow............:speepin:

[xj-grin]

:thumbup: keep on keepin on, man. sometimes its all we can do. I LOL'd BTW at the joke...

[.40CalPatriot]

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Little Johnny, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.
'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'
Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
Once again, Johnny's was the only hand in the air and he said; 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Johnny isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'FU*K the Japs,'
'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.
Little Johnny put his hand up, 'Harry Truman, 1945.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right!!! Now who said that!?'
Again, Little Johnny says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, We're screwed!'
Little Johnny said quietly, 'the American people, November 4, 2008

[time2getdirty]

:thumbup:

[Seiler]

3 of the betters ones I've ready lately-

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says,"$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that **** again."

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed
to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told
us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the
big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays
up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the
main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess
and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied,
"Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch."

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"



The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.



So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"



The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.



"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.



The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."



The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a f**king idiot every time he's on ecstasy