World History - As it Really Happened

[Kejtar]

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
known as the Conservative movement. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting and learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girly-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.

Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

[Matt S.]

Bravo!!! Now if that is not the truth.... I will wear a dress again.


:cheers::cheers::cheers::cheers::cheers::cheers::c heers:

[5-90]

Half marks. There are some Conservatives who don't mind raw fish (had a Japanese girlfriend who introduced me to the idea) and I prefer red meat well done - I've had to chase enough already. I'm perfectly capable of eating it raw - I just don't care to.

Beer in general isn't worth bothering with - I'd have to drink far too much of it to get the desired effect.

Of course, the "some Liberals evolved into women" reminds me of an old George Carlin bit - "The Primitive Sergeant."

As you all know, we were raided last night by the Mean People from Over the Hill. They took our fire, they took our food, they took our women - and some of those 'sensitive' guys we've been usin' like women.

So, I guess I came down from the branch that stayed close to the distillery (needed stronger stuff - and it kept the H. liberal at bay) while we carved out wheels for the guys near the breweries:sunshine:

"Angry?" Hardly - those of you who know me know better than that. Just pointing out that there remains some stratification to any class of people - however you care to sort them.

Although we do have a remaining question - "Can Liberalism be cured?" Is it an affliction caused by an external agent (virus, bacterium, chemical contaminant,) or is it a genetic aberration that simply must be culled from the breed...?

[Beej]

What colour of dress Scraps? Pink?




Yet another attempt at teh funnay that drizzled worse than dzolcali...

[IXNAYXJ]

That's pretty damn funny. I laughed out loud a couple of times, at this for instance:

"Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided."

-----Matt-----

[Gerr]

that made my day I love it

[Jeepsloth]

One of the definitions of "Liberal" I found on Urban Dictionary:

Liberal
A political "philosophy" which dictates:
-that the individual subordinate himself to big government

-people should be judged and dealt with according to their race (i.e. affirmative action)

-people who cannot or will not provide for themselves are entitled to the wealth of those who DO produce and earn a living

-The Bible should be banned, along with any display of religiosity--except in an election year, or you're Rev. Al Sharpton

-9/11 never happened, terrorist are entitled to Constitutional rights, and that killing terrorists creates more terrorists

-It is immoral to keep the money you earn, but perfectly moral to receive the money others have earned

-Most important, liberalism dictates that one despise America and everything it has stood for since its beginning--which was made possible only through raping, pillaging, and spreading small pox on blankets.

[5-90]

-people should be judged and dealt with according to their race (i.e. affirmative action)

Amazingly, it seems that the people who want to eliminate racism the most are the same people who want to preserve/promote Affirmative Action.

How's that work again? "Reverse Discrimination" is still "discrimination." I thought we were trying to do away with discrimination all around?

[Jeepsloth]

hahahaha silly conservative :roflmao:

[Beej]

Alright, now you bastards have my herpes all inflamed...

:soapbox:

[Ramsey]

Conservatives are teh suck, as well as liberals.

[XJ Dreamin']

Read Drawing of the Dark by Tim Powers. Beer is the only thing that matters - screw the wheel.

The wife was watching Shall we dance? tonight. From now on, every time you liberals and conservatives go at it, I'm going to be reminded of that movie...

...round and round you go.

[WrenchMonkey]

I prefer red meat well done...

Aw, man... Now I gotta take you off my heroes list...

Robert

[5-90]

Aw, man... Now I gotta take you off my heroes list...

Robert

Nothin' personal - I just like to make sure it's good and dead. As I said, I've chased enough dinner around - although I'm perfectly capable of eating it raw and blood-warm, I just prefer not to.

[WrenchMonkey]

Everybody's got their taste...

I was twelve years old before I knew I liked steak. My dad had always grilled it til it resembled beef jerky.

That was his biggest flaw, too...

:roflmao: Robert

[5-90]

Everybody's got their taste...

I was twelve years old before I knew I liked steak. My dad had always grilled it til it resembled beef jerky.

That was his biggest flaw, too...

:roflmao: Robert

Now, beef jerky is another animal. I like red meat just done enough to call "well" - if I'm going to make jerky, I'll just make jerky and call it done (which takes rather less temperature and rather more time. I should start doing it again...)

Take beef jerky that's just "done enough" to call "jerky" - pound nuts and berries into it, and you get "pemmican." That stuff, friends and neighbours, will keep you going for weeks. Not this "Pemmican" brand jerky - but I'm talking genuine pemmican - damn near a balanced meal in every bite...

[XJ Dreamin']

Now, beef jerky is another animal. I like red meat just done enough to call "well" - if I'm going to make jerky, I'll just make jerky and call it done (which takes rather less temperature and rather more time. I should start doing it again...)

Take beef jerky that's just "done enough" to call "jerky" - pound nuts and berries into it, and you get "pemmican." That stuff, friends and neighbours, will keep you going for weeks. Not this "Pemmican" brand jerky - but I'm talking genuine pemmican - damn near a balanced meal in every bite...

You need a little bear lard in there.

Jerky dried good and hard can be pounded and added to almost anything. Always an improvement. Jerky in beans with your favorite chili gravy on fried bread.

Damn! It's only 08:50 and you've got me going already.

[Ralph]

STFU all this talking about food. Y'all are making me hungry.

[XJ Dreamin']

STFU all this talking about food. Y'all are making me hungry.

Oh yeah...Jerked chili and beans on fried bread with the darkest, thickest oatmeal stout I can find...

Next best, we got a dinner engagement at Margarita's, tonight. Ole'!

[Ralph]

Oh yeah...Jerked chili and beans on fried bread with the darkest, thickest oatmeal stout I can find...

Next best, we got a dinner engagement at Margarita's, tonight. Ole'!
Dude, you are not helping.

[XJ_ranger]

Yet another attempt at teh funnay that drizzled worse than dzolcali...

NICE reference!

[XJ Dreamin']

Dude, you are not helping.

Just back from lunch. Now I'm just waiting for Margarita's :D

[goodburbon]

Makes me miss reading all of that drivel from the drizzle. That was some fine entertainment.

[XJ Dreamin']

Makes me miss reading all of that drivel from the drizzle. That was some fine entertainment.

If I could find him we could start up another round of clever repartee'. How many pages did we go last time? I forget.

[XJ Dreamin']

Now I'm just waiting for Margarita's :D

Stewed sirloin tips in mole, with rice and frejoles. Fresh tortillas (not just reheated), and a chicken stuffed avacado. I had to settle for XX Amber, but it served well enough.

The only crisis of the evening occured when the server tried to pour my XX into a frosted mug. I was afraid I was going to have to do something to him, but I only lost a couple of ounces.

Two beers for me, a daquari for the wife, two adult sodas and two kid's sodas, two kids meals and three dinners, with tip - $49.50.

[XJ Dreamin']

Oh, and on the subject of steaks. As long as you kill the germs on the outside, there's no reason to do anything to the inside.

http://z.about.com/d/bbq/1/5/Z/K/steak_rare.jpg

[Beej]

Mmmm. That looks muy tastiola...

[XJSpencer]

There aren't any Liberals on Naxja.org! Only a conservative would drive an inefficient vehicle like an xj.....let alone DRIVE it off the pavement.:patriot:


How'd we get on Food?.....It's a little late for steak. That Ice Cream sure hit the spot though.:yap:

[Beej]

There aren't any Liberals on Naxja.org! Only a conservative would drive an inefficient vehicle like an xj.....let alone DRIVE it off the pavement.:patriot:


How'd we get on Food?.....It's a little late for steak. That Ice Cream sure hit the spot though.:yap: Have we met?

Apparently I'm more American than any of you. In case y'all wondered, LIBERAL means FREEDOM...

[XJ Dreamin']

There aren't any Liberals on Naxja.org! Only a conservative would drive an inefficient vehicle like an xj.....let alone DRIVE it off the pavement.:patriot:


How'd we get on Food?.....It's a little late for steak. That Ice Cream sure hit the spot though.:yap:

You're falling behind. Try to keep up. This isn't the Boy Scouts.

[XJSpencer]

You're falling behind. Try to keep up. This isn't the Boy Scouts.

I'll do my best.

[dbswede]

most conservitive I know like good beer (micro) light swill has union tendacies.

[Ramsey]

That does look like one tasty piece of meat. I love sushi and bloody steaks, and hate america. My xj isnt bad either.

[5-90]

most conservitive I know like good beer (micro) light swill has union tendacies.

I'll have to say that I don't mind beer overseas - but can't stand it here. For some odd reason, beer here has to be Pasteurised, which just cooks all the taste right out of the stuff.

Honestly - if a germ can manage to live in ethanol, it bloody deserves a fighting chance! I can usually trace a personal illness to failure to maintain an acceptable blood alcohol content...

[goodburbon]

In case y'all wondered, LIBERAL means FREEDOM...

Not around here. Around here it means that the woods are for animals (no wheelable public land). It means massive restrictions on vehicles that you own (ask those cali guys how they feel about emissions testing) It means no firearms, no Super sizing, no driving when not absolutely necessary, no shrimping without releasing half of the catch, no money left after taxes.

I dunno, what's your definition of freedom?

BTW I think the conservative movement is just as bad. Around here they have made city ordinances banning "low riding" pants. It's a very distasteful fashion fad, but this is America is it not?

I respect you beej but Liberal does not mean freedom around here.

[5-90]

A lot of political definitions get reversed by region.

In Russia, for instance (Andrey, can you confirm?) political "Left" and "Right" were opposite ours.

When applying political "Liberal" and "Conservative" down here, apply them to the government proper - a "liberal" government means broad governmental powers and abilities, while a "conservative" government implies that the government would be under tight control for what it can and cannot do.

They used to be applied to the people at large - two hundred years or so ago, "conservatives" were called "liberals" or "anti-Federalists." Conservatives of the time were "Federalists" - advocates of a strong centralised government.

Just keeping up with the times can itself be confusing...

A "conservative" now can also be called a "libertarian" - placing personal freedoms above the powers and privileges of the government.

[Beej]

I respect you beej . Oh man, I gotta try harder...

:D

[GrimmJeeper]

Oh man, I gotta try harder...

:D

maybe its more of a man vs lion respect... he respects you because he knows you are dangerous and may or may not eat his soul if you see fit to do so :D