Quotes. Meaningful and Funny. Tell us one!

[4WDlifeform]

A lot of us sure enjoy a good quote. Ill start it off with a few of my favorites.

If you wait till the last minute, it only takes a minute.
-(unknown)

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
-Murphy's Law

Nothing will ever be idiot-proof. They keep inventing better idiots.
-College Professor

[joe_peters]

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

"Voting for a democrat is like an Albert Einstein quotation." Joe Peters

[NW-ZJ-SCOTT]

"has been the most reliable jeep i've ever owned"

Craigslist post, jeep had blown rod.

[5-90]

"The ideal tool kit contains two items - a hammer and a roll of duct tape. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the hammer." -Mechanic's joke.

"If you can't fix it with a hammer, what you have is an electrical problem." -Mechanic's joke

"Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard." -H. L. Mencken

"Fiction suffers from the necessity to be believable. Fact suffers no such handicap." -I don't remember who said this, but I like it.

"All government, in its essence, is a conspiracy against the superior man: its one permanent object is to oppress him and cripple him. If it be aristocratic in organization, then it seeks to protect the man who is superior only in law against the man who is superior in fact; if it be democratic, then it seeks to protect the man who is inferior in every way against both. One of its primary functions is to regiment men by force, to make them as much alike as possible and as dependent upon one another as possible, to search out and combat originality among them. All it can see in an original idea is potential change, and hence an invasion of its prerogatives. The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out for himself, without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane and intolerable, and so, if he is romantic, he tries to change it. And even if he is not romantic personally he is very apt to spread discontent among those who are." -H. L. Mencken

"Do not handicap your children by making their lives too easy." -Robert A. Heinlein (speaking as Lazarus Long)

"The only good bureaucrat is one with a pistol at his head. Put it in his hand and it's good-bye to the Bill of Rights." -H. L. Mencken

"Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage." -H. L. Mencken

"My old suggestion that public offices be filled by drawing lots, as a jury box is filled, was probably more intelligent than I suspected. It has been criticized on the ground that selecting a man at random would probably produce some extremely bad State governors. [...] But I incline to believe that it would be best to choose members of the Legislature quite at random. No matter how stupid they were, they could not be more stupid than the average legislator under the present system. Certainly, they'd be measurably more honest, taking one with another. Finally, there would be the great advantage that all of them had got their jobs unwillingly, and were eager, not to spin out their sessions endlessly, but to get home as soon as possible." -H. L. Mencken

"Every law that was ever written opened up a new way to graft." -R. A. Heinlein

"We lived like that "Happy Family" you sometimes see in traveling zoos: a lion caged with a lamb. It is a startling exhibit but the lamb has to be replaced frequently." -R. A. Heinlein

"I would say that my position is not too far from that of Ayn Rand's; that I would like to see government reduced to no more than internal police and courts, external armed forces — with the other matters handled otherwise. I'm sick of the way the government sticks its nose into everything, now." -R. A. Heinlein, ca. late 1980's

"Take sides! Always take sides! You will sometimes be wrong — but the man who refuses to take sides must always be wrong." -R. A. Heinlein

"Morals — all correct moral laws — derive from the instinct to survive. Moral behavior is survival behavior above the individual level." -R. A. Heinlein

"Any government will work if authority and responsibility are equal and coordinate. This does not insure 'good' government; it simply insures that it will work. But such governments are rare — most people want to run things but want no part of the blame. This used to be called the 'backseat-driver syndrome.' " -R. A. Heinlein

"A monarch's neck should always have a noose around it. It keeps him upright." -R. A. Heinlein

"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. " -Mark Twain

"I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position." -Mark Twain

"Rules are passed by Man, Laws are passed by God. Laws may not under any circumstances, be broken. Rules may be bent, bent severely, or even broken wholly. However, breaking a rule requires perfect execution. For instance, when flying under a bridge, it is critical to not hit the bridge." -Pilot's Maxim

"The three most useless things to a pilot: the altitude above you, the runway behind you, and five seconds ago."

"Old cops, bold cops, but no old bold cops." -Police Officer's Rule for Living to Retirement

[urban yan]

Over the years I acquired a fair amount of sage wisdom that I formatted into some easy to remember quotes. Here's but a few:

"You don’t have to be depressed to listen to the blues, but it helps." -me

"A broken heart is only second to testicular frostbite." -me

"Standing upside down is merely a short-term solution to a serious frowning problem." -me

"Eating doesn’t bring out the worst in fat people – spandex does." -me

"Owning a van is allot of fun until someone gets pregnant." -me

"Misery loves the company of country music." -me

"Human shields may cost a little more, but they’re worth it." -me

[redneckboarder]

heres to good ships, wood ships, and ships that sail the seas. but the best ships are friendships so may they always be. toast by a friend of mine ollie street

[seanR]

"Careful man there's a beverage here"-The Dude

[asp]

"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats." - Howard Aiken, IBM engineer

[XJEEPER]

Life is hard.....it's harder when you're stupid. John Wayne?

[GRIMUS99XJ]

a fat girls mouth is better than my own hand.

why biatch today about yesterdays shiat

those are 2 of my originals that I have been known to say from time to time

[Ivan]

A near death experience is just God practicing “catch and release…

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.

Don’t believe everything you think….

War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left

Give the hardest job to the laziest guy, and he will find the easiest way to do it.

159 years ago California became a state, had no electricity, no money, almost everyone spoke Spanish, and there were gunfights in the streets. It was basically exactly like it is today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

[tbburg]

"Time travel: All you want is to slap a few hippies, All you get is multiple Kowalskis." - Skipper, from the Penguins of Madagascar


First 2 lines of my sig.

[GrimmJeeper]

Tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis (Times change, and we must change with them) - Socrates
Audaces fortuna iuvat (Fortune favors the bold) - unknown
The one thing I want to leave my children is an honorable name - Theodore Roosevelt

[kastein]

"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats." - Howard Aiken, IBM engineer
I love that one.

159 years ago California became a state, had no electricity, no money, almost everyone spoke Spanish, and there were gunfights in the streets. It was basically exactly like it is today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.
:roflmao:

"We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately" - Benjamin Franklin

"finding something worth dying for is easier than finding something worth living for" - Michael Garibaldi, Babylon 5

"Beneath this mask there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof." - V, V for Vendetta

"When you have to shoot, shoot. Don't talk." - Tuco, The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

"WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! Ok, you are now firing a gun at your 'imaginary friend' near 400 GALLONS OF NITROGLYCERINE!" - Tyler Durden, Fight Club

[Texas Twitch]

"Don't regret, but don't forget"

"Confidence is knowing exactly what you are and what you aren't. Cockiness is thinking you're everything you're not."

"Si, El Guapo. You have a Plethora."

"Measure once and cut twice, right?"

"If it moves and it shouldn't, duct tape it. It it doesn't move and it should, WD-40 it!"

"Amateurs argue caliber. Professionals argue placement."

[thebrick]

"$h!t happens." - Murphy's Law

[souske]

Let not your children have reason to curse you for giving up those rights and prostrating those institutions which your fathers gave to you - rev. mathias burnett

[Original_MudButt]

You can check your anatomy all you want, and even though there may be normal variation, when it comes right down to it, this far inside the head it all looks the same. No, no, no, don't tug on that. You never know what it might be attached to. Buckaroo Banzai.

Hey, hey, hey.... Don't be mean; we don't have to be mean, cuz, remember, no matter where you go, there you are. Buckaroo Banzai.

Home... Home is where you wear your hat... I feel so breakup, I wanna go home. Lord John Whorfin.

[srmitchell]

-Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

Step brothers-
"-The only reason you're living here is because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot, and maybe we should just both bang her, and we'll put up with the retard in the meantime."
"-Who's the retard?"
"-You!"
"-Hey Ya'll don't say that."

[MT Mike]

"You internet people scare the shit out of me." Todd Snider

[88 Wagonman]

To cocky employees\coworkers: "About the time you start to think your irreplaceable is about the time when someone is looking for your replacement."

[Curtis_H]

"Oh Tommy, for that you sold your everlastin' soul?"...."well I wasn't usin it..."
Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?




Though the burden may be great it is the man that carries it who shall receive it's bounty.

[kybray44]

"a fat chick is like a moped...there fun to ride until your friends find out"

"failure to prepare is preperation for failure"

[gambit4000s]

They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.

B Franklin

[tbburg]

I'm lazy, here's my facebook quotes:
Happiness may never be sensibly pursued as an end in itself, because happiness is the byproduct of achievement. - C. Northcote Parkinson (paraphrase)

"Sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice." - Clark's Law

"Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity, but don't rule out malice." - Heinlein's Razor

It has been said that Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time. - Winston Churchill

An armed society is a polite society. Manners are good when one may have to back up his acts with his life. - Robert A. Heinlein

Where ever you go,... there you are. - Pigkiller, Beyond Thunderdome.

...,"what you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul." - Principal Max Anderson, Billy Madison

"Time travel: All you want is to slap a hippie. All you get is multiple Kowalskis." - Skipper

Thirteen,.. Wow! I thought dirt was,.. like,... twelve. - Nermal

[4WDlifeform]

"Please avoid that sunlight is direct, high temperature, or moist. In order to avoid that go bad. Do not will this product powder suck in lung department in order to avoid that influence health. Suggest will this product thoroughly cook eat."

-Jay Leno Headlines

[XJKcali]

You come into this world with only two things that you can truely call your own. Your good name, and your good word. Lose either one and you can never truely get it back. -Me to my children.

[tigerchief]

“What concerns me is not the way things are, but rather the way people think things are.”

“No man is free who is not a master of himself.”

Epictetus

[urban yan]

"Don't chop wood drunk" -me

[MT Mike]

"Prior planning prevents piss poor performance." my D.I. in boot camp (it was 16 years ago, I can't remember his name).

[Original_MudButt]

"Don't chop wood drunk" -me

HA HA HA!!!!

When camping, I'm not allowed to play with the axe after 9:00pm for that very reason.....:D

[kastein]

"Don't chop wood drunk" -me
I dunno, I do OK with that... somewhere out there on the internet is a picture of me chopping wood with a beer in one hand and the very end of the handle of an axe in the other, mid-swing.

Other good quotes -
"Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead" - Cdr. David Farragut (later Adm.)
"You know we're sitting on four million pounds of fuel, one nuclear weapon and a thing that has 270,000 moving parts built by the lowest bidder. Makes you feel good, doesn't it?" - Rockhound, Mission to Mars/Armageddon

[stewie]

after 'no fear' comes aw shit!

[Texas Twitch]

WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH! You haven't even bought me dinner yet!

-Me to a City of Plano jailer, who asked me to take off my shirt to take pictures of my tattoos when being booked a few months ago.

[Mar]

"Insurance covers everything except what happens."

"If it looks easy, it's tough. If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible."

"Things go right so they can go wrong."

"Rascality has limits,; stupidity has not." (Napoleon's Observation)

"If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything."

"It's always hard to notice what isn't there."

"It takes less time to do something right than it takes to explain why you did it wrong."

"Anything that begins well ends badly. Anything that begins badly ends worse."

"Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, administer."

"Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can."

[stewie]

having a child is the best form of birth control available

get in the jeep, its too steep to walk!

[chris_amrein]

"Better to be thought a fool than to open ones mouth and remove all doubt."

I never did look into who originally said this, but I'd like to know.

[vigman]

The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax. - Albert Einstein

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. - Albert Einstein

Fish and relatives smell after 3 days. - Benjamin Franklin

[kujito]

We do three types of jobs; good, cheap, and fast. You may choose any two.

A good job cheap, won't be fast.
A good job fast, won't be cheap.
A fast job cheap, won't be good.

The decision is yours.

No idea whose it is, but it was posted on the door to our shop (NAS Corpus Christi), and now on my cubicle wall.

[Darky]

"Prior proper planning prevents piss poor performance." my D.I. in boot camp (it was 16 years ago, I can't remember his name).

Fixed according to my DIs. It was either SSgt Oliveira or SSgt Todd

"Holy s***, you stupid b****" - SSgt Todd in boot camp. :D

[5-90]

"Prior planning prevents piss poor performance." my D.I. in boot camp (it was 16 years ago, I can't remember his name).

I heard that one as the "Law of the Seven Ps" - "Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss-Poor Performance."

And, in my case, it was SSG J. Clifford Terpestra (the only guy who was taller than me, when I was in Boot. Makes him easy to remember, even twenty years later...)

[BenDiesel]

"Better to be thought a fool than to open ones mouth and remove all doubt."

I never did look into who originally said this, but I'd like to know.
i believe that was Abraham Lincoln

my favorite is "speak softly and carry a big stick"

[tigerchief]

“There is a stupid corner in the brain of every wise man”.

-- Aristotle

[urban yan]

"I can't believe I ate the whole thing"
~ that fat dude from the movie se7en

[16guns]

It's all fun and games....until someone loses a testicle!

[wolfpackjeeper]

A cat was sitting beside the train tracks one day just enjoying the the sun. Then a train came by and took off the very tip of the cat's tail, which was laying across the tacks. The cat whirled around so quickly that the train then took his head off as well.

Moral: Don't Lose your head over a little bit of tail.

My dad told me that over 10 years ago.

[Big Kev]

"Better to be thought a fool than to open ones mouth and remove all doubt."

I never did look into who originally said this, but I'd like to know.

Mark Twain


"Knowledge with out mileage is bull sh!t." Henry Rollins

[urban yan]

"If I can outpace it I can eat it." -me

[91G-Dub]

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from
time to time, with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
It is its natural manure."

Thomas Jefferson

[beakie]

"it's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice" - unknown

this one I changed to fit;

"Some people go through life wondering if they've made a difference in the world... soldiers don't have that problem" - Ronald Reagan

[Waterhammer]

"It is a far better death to die standing on your feet then live your life crawling on your belly..."
-Hemingway

Extra points if you can recall the book thats from, way extra points if you can recall the character who said it. I can't but I still like the quote.

[Darky]

"It is a far better death to die standing on your feet then live your life crawling on your belly..."
-Hemingway

Extra points if you can recall the book thats from, way extra points if you can recall the character who said it. I can't but I still like the quote.
"It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees." — Dolores Ibarruri

Whoever it was he apparently stole it. Unless Dolores Ibarruri was the character...

[BigRed86]

"I've learned what I know, and I know what I've learned"

" No worries"

"Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday"

"OUR DEEPEST FEAR IS NOT THAT WE ARE INADEQUATE.
OUR DEEPEST FEAR IS THAT WE ARE POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE.
IT IS OUR LIGHT, NOT OUR DARKNESS, THAT MOST FRIGHTENS US. WE ASK OURSELVES, WHO AM I TO BE BRILLIANT, GORGEOUS, TLAENTED AND FABULOUS.
ACTUALLY, WHO ARE YOU NOT TO BE..."
-NELSON MANDELA

[XJEEPER]

"Keep that up and you''ll be getting less of what want even more often."

My bride-addressing my children

[90 waggy]

"Better to be thought a fool than to open ones mouth and remove all doubt."

I never did look into who originally said this, but I'd like to know.

its better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt. abraham lincoln/ mark twain

[Rob Mayercik]

"With your shield or on it" (some ancient military thing, heard it used on a TV show years ago).

"Anyone can make an error, Ensign. But that error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it." (Grand Admiral Thrawn / Timothy Zahn)

[stevend510]

I'll quit being a smart@$$ when you quit being a dumb@$$!

[wolfpackjeeper]

"With your shield or on it")

part of one anyway. RA Heinlein had an extended version of this quote intended as a barb towards current societal values.

"Roman matrons used to say to their husbands and sons, 'Come Back with your shield, or on it'. Later on this custom declined, shortly following this, so did Rome."

The phrase roughly carries the idea of "come home with honor": either through being victorious and returning with your weaponry, or dieing in battle and being carried home on your shield.

[H8PVMT]

"Voting for a democrat is like an Albert Einstein quotation." Joe Peters

to be fair since most of Albert Einsteins quotes are intelligent and thoughtful, you would really be saying voting democratic is good? you should use "is like a G.W. Bush soundbite"......

My favorite quote is in my sig


Independently

Doug

[Ralph]

I like Heinlein's stuff too. Here is one that I use as an email sig.

"Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get."

[Sniggs]

Perfect for the Jeep:
"If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour... you're gonna see some serious sh1t." --Dr. Emmett Brown--
http://www.stripersonline.com/surftalk/attachment.php?attachmentid=273801&d=1251595831

[Boatwrench]

"It is not important what someone in Washington writes on a piece of paper about how you are fighting the war." - ADM "31 Knot" Burke

"We're going to need a bigger boat" - Chief Brody.

[joe_peters]

to be fair since most of Albert Einsteins quotes are intelligent and thoughtful, you would really be saying voting democratic is good? you should use "is like a G.W. Bush soundbite"......

My favorite quote is in my sig


Independently

Doug

Ha Ha! No, go back and read the Albert E. quote above my quote--they are a set.

[GrimmJeeper]

"Pipe down or i'll jump back there to smack you two and we'll all burn to death when the car flips over" -Dad

:D

[joe_peters]

"Badges? We ain't got no badges. We don't need no badges! I don't have to show you any stinkin' badges!"

Alfonso Bedoya as Gold Hat in Treasure of the Sierra Madre.

[Rob Mayercik]

part of one anyway. RA Heinlein had an extended version of this quote intended as a barb towards current societal values.

"Roman matrons used to say to their husbands and sons, 'Come Back with your shield, or on it'. Later on this custom declined, shortly following this, so did Rome."

The phrase roughly carries the idea of "come home with honor": either through being victorious and returning with your weaponry, or dieing in battle and being carried home on your shield.

Now that you filled in the rest of the story on that, it rings familiar. I recall that the show where I heard that explained it, but that part kind of stuck.

[Pathfinder]

In theory, theory and practice should be the same. In practice, they're not.

[RichP]

Yesterday is always easier than today.

[5-90]

"It was a beautiful theory, until it was attacked by a marauding groups of facts." -Scientists' Maxim.

"Sovereign rule for a happy marriage: Pay cash or go without." -R. A. Heinlein

"I will not punish my men for making mistakes. I will only punish them for not learning from their mistakes." -Richard Marcinko

"Follow me." -Roy Henry Boehm's definition of leadership

"I will always be easy to find: I will always be at the exact center of the battle." -Rogue Warrior's Commandments of Leadership (Richard Marcinko)

"Honey, want to go to a party?"
"Sure! Where and when?"
"Here, in about ten seconds..." - James Dennis Watson III, to his wife, when seeing Roy Boehm and Rudy Boesch walking up his sidewalk...

[Rob Mayercik]

Got one more:

"Age and treachery will always overcome youth and vigor"

Saw it on a guy's sig on another forum, don't know the origins.


5-90: like the Scientist's Maxim. Allow me to add the "Engineer's Corollary":

"It was a beautiful design, until we actually tried to test something with it."

[kastein]

"The ninety ninety rule of development - the first ninety percent of the schedule will be taken up by development; the next ninety percent will be taken up by debugging"

(also applies to budgets, especially for large construction projects in the City of Boston)

[joe_peters]

"Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads!

Back to the Future II, but seems very appropriate for a Jeep forum.

[Rob Mayercik]

"The ninety ninety rule of development - the first ninety percent of the schedule will be taken up by hardware; the next ninety percent will be taken up by meetings demanding to know why software hasn't finished yet".


And here's the SW engineering version!

[Frank Z]

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!!

Monty Python

[kujito]

"Talent is God given; be humble. Fame is man given; be grateful. Conceit is self given; be careful." - John Wooden

RIP Coach